I Walked Away From It All…

Let me first start off by saying I’ve missed you! And yes, I’m alive after 10 long months.

It’s taken me a LONG time to write this. I mean a super long time actually.

But I feel my testimony will inspire someone I know who needs to hear this.

NEVER SETTLE FOR LESS THAN WHAT YOU KNOW YOU DESERVE!

NEVER SETTLE FOR LESS THAN WHAT YOU KNOW YOU DESERVE!

NEVER SETTLE FOR LESS THAN WHAT YOU KNOW YOU DESERVE!

That’s in regard to a long term relationship, marriage, friendship or career path.

NEVER SETTLE AT ALL!

I can say that with my ENTIRE CHEST!

Walking away from a relationship that (over years) had provided security, comfort and structure took a strength greater than Goliath to do, but it had to be done.

I could feel myself losing my self and my purpose the longer I stayed in a union that did not feed my soul.

My most crippling thought was ‘How do I start over after this?’ Can I survive the aftermath of leaving within my own heart? Will I find love and happiness again?’

I really started thinking that I failed myself- over and over. No children were produced from this marriage, so I began to feel ‘Will I ever have my chance to become a mother?’

That thought alone made me depressed, so I started praying a lot.

every. single. day.

I started praying for courage.

I knew i had to ask God to reveal the strength he gave ALL women to survive. I needed him to reveal THAT.

And he did!

I needed God to lead me in a way that will give my soul extreme peace because I had already knew the marriage was over but breaking that emotional tether was another animal. I learned through therapy that I was experiencing ‘trauma bonding’.

Not to mention, we were fighting a pandemic and things were shutdown. So all i had was time to sit, pray and ask God to move me. In hindsight, that quiet time was a blessing. I was able to fast and pray daily for what I knew I couldn’t do on my own- which was leave.

Many of those thoughts were okay and normal.

Many of you may not have known, but I had gotten married at the tender age of 23. I was a baby. We both were. And time grew us apart. And that’s okay. What would not have been okay was to remain in a home where we both knew and felt that the love died.

You can say we did everything by the book – got married, went back to school furthered our degrees, bought a gorgeous home and yet- it still didn’t not make for a happy marriage.

And that was a realization i had to acknowledge and further act upon.

And honestly, I’m still battling the effects of mourning a failed marriage in the midst of STILL healing.

I have to credit my amazing therapist for walking me through such a time.

She has been a Godsend!

My friend Joy recommended her when she knew i needed professional help. I had to surrender to that fact that i was not equipped to handle my own thoughts during this time. It was the best thing i could do for myself.

Friends who hear your cries when you’re silent are like angels coming to heal your heart.

Please know that there is no embarassement in leaving. It signals strength, wisdom, bravery to those who wish they could do the same.

I know my destiny still has love, family, and amazing communication with a man in my future.

Going through this I’ve learned there are loads of women who choose to keep quiet about the breakdown of a marriage.

And often times there’s a fear that resides behind that because of the negative stigma that we think is associated with a failed marriage. It’s all bullshit! I’m here to tell you that the fear is bullshit!!!

Stepping out on the strength that God gave all women to survive is what has taken me through this process. And that too can be for whomever chooses to believe it.

I am proof that happiness within yourself does exist but it is a journey you have to choose for yourself, not others or what you think others will think of you.

“Starting over” for me is about living peacefully and more sound. And cancelling relationships and situations that no longer amplify harmony.

See, when you are healed and are on a healing journey you will attract those who are unhealed and used to toxicity….I know I do not have the energy to give. From now on its been about honoring who I am each day. And knowing that love will always find me no matter what.

When you know your truest worth, you can add tax. And if its not accepted, walk away until your peace is restored.

Will i get married again? I believe so.

Truly trusting a man with my full heart and mind will be a barrier that can only be taken down with time, I see that more each day.

As I am being honest, I am still working through fear of abandonment and other traumas that have resurfaced within. So I know now that I have to give myself so much grace right now.

Ultimately, the end goal isn’t marriage for me anymore. And it shouldn’t be that for many people.

The end goal should be partnership and unconditional love, trust, mutual respect and family. Family as in creating a family together that will last so I can watch my children’s children grow up together. So I can look at my partner at age 90 and say ‘Babe we did this, we created this together in love.”

It all comes down to love and loyalty.

That is my goal.

If you’re unhappy, you have the power to change and rewrite your story. I did.

Have an exit plan, pray, confide in yourself before anyone else, AND PRAY.

I can not say that more- PRAY AS MUCH AS YOU CAN. Because the days ahead will consist of a barrage of emotions like grief, loneliness and mourning.

But I could not be happier that I stood on what I believed and I followed and listened to my heart.

Life can be viewed as short or long. And whatever your perspective is know this – YOU ONLY HAVE ONE.

This is the final curtain call for all of us. Let peace take center stage.

You can start again.

thanks for reading ♥️

xo

Shana